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The Edge Of Me

23rd April, 2007. 9:41 pm. the rose is pain...

the rose bud sits on the branch.
alone. afraid.
will you take me away?
will i be taken care of? loved?
can i be loved?
no.
maybe.
how can i know?
the rose is beautiful.
velvety petals and vibrant red.
do i make you smile?
do i warm your heart?
can i warm your heart?
no.
maybe.
how can i know?
the rose is pain.
it's thorns. it dies.
will you just walk away?
will i make you bleed? will i hurt you?
could i ever hurt you?
no.
maybe.
how can i know?

i will never know.
do i want to know?
i dont want to know.
i will never want to know....

oh no...

i want to know...

Current mood: lonely.

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23rd January, 2007. 12:33 am.

so nothin really to tell. lifes just goin as it usually does. gettin more hours in at work. havin fun in broadway, bit sore from the dancing tho. doin good in classes. things are great w/ dillon. party at megs last saturday, met some newish ppl, hung w/ some old friends. tried out for Henry IV, didnt get it cause i had 2 night classes. but Gary said i did really good, which is something comin from him. thought id just update and leave ya w/ a smile @-,`--- HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Current mood: mmm...yeah.

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28th November, 2006. 12:43 pm. No One Ever Tells You That Forever Feels Like Home...

isnt it funny when ppl u used to see so often just arent there anymore? ppl get so hurt by it, but y? those drifting individuals are moving on w/ their own lives, on to new and better things.

just thoughts.

i actually emailed my stepmom last night. its the first contact ive had w/ them in a few months. wrote too many paragraphs to think about. didnt realize i had that many new things to talk about. i was happy with how my dad was when he came to visit for graduation, and i thought everything would change then. should have known better...i tried to keep talking w/ them over the summer, but their email responces took longer and longer, until finally i just never heard from them. they are my family, that is one of my homes down there...but what if it is all lost to me now?

have i ever mentioned how much i love theatre ppl? its not as if i love my other friends any less, its just that now i have new ppl that i see, and theyre so different. while i used to have a problem opening up to others, the ppl ive met this semester are just so easy to talk to. they sit down and listen to ur problems, and give advice that is from mostly experience. or they just do wacky things that cheer u up no matter what. its hard to discribe...but it feels like ive "found my ppl" (dont ask, hehe).

i woke up this morning and realized somethin. I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL!!! its a waste of time. we spend numerous hours sitting in classrooms, wasting our lives. when are we going to need to know at what second a penny will hit the ground if dropped off from a cliff!!! NEVER!!! GRR...

k.bye.
@-,`---

Current mood: a bit pissy.

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12th November, 2006. 9:16 pm. "we could be heros...just for one day..."

i went to church. me...in a flippin church! i went for the orf program, the children were singing a few songs and Jackie needed me there to help lead. the Mrs. Treacher raked me into singing with the choir. and they had a few songs in the beginnin, led by a guy w/ a guitar. is it bad that memories came back? that i knew the songs he was singing by heart? that i had a glimmer of hope that the day could be better. and then i sang with the choir, with Mrs. T. directin, and it was the happiest id been in so long. music, the one thing thats always been able to save me, finally set right, to how its supposed to be.

*sigh* idk. god how i hate those words. i went out to the college at noon, only to find i had nothin there to do. so i came to town, and to a coffee shop, and sat there for 2 1/2 hours waiting for answers. i drove around with a good friend. hoping to get some answers, listening to old songs. then i had been left to my thoughts...

why do ppl come back into ur lives?

what if all there is in life is pain after pain?

what if true love exists, but on the other side of the world, and ill never find it?

y cant i be happy?

what if its not about love, and being happy? what if the almighty being doesnt give a damn about our emotional condition?

y cant i talk to anyone, only write down thoughts?

is this life?

what if no one can save me? if life will always be disappointing...will i ask, on my deathbed, y i went through it all...

i want to feel the warm summer rain...



@-,`---

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11th November, 2006. 6:25 pm. why live life from dream to dream?

*sigh*

what

the

fuck

...

*sigh*

thats about the jist of life...

@-,`---




"I follow the night
Can't stand the light
When will I begin
To live again?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could
Your love do for me?
When will love be
Through with me?
Why live life from
Dream to dream
And dread the day
When dreaming ends?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from
Dream to dream
And dread the day
When dreaming ends?

One day I'll fly away
Fly, fly away"

Current mood: confused as hell....

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6th September, 2006. 3:53 pm. sex and music!!!

so...college...yeah...interesting...

i went to that "big thing" at NWHS this morning. kinda ticked off. it would have been kewl if they just showed up in the limo. but to make a big deal about it was just...yeah...

school was kinda fun today. neither teacher in music theory was working with me. they dont understand that ive been taught a way to get the right answers, and doing what they do just screws it all up.

keyboard was...grr...drayton assigned me like a million things to work on. im ahead of everyone in the class, but not THAT ahead!! jeez. he wants me to do all the classic works of like debussay and back and mozart. and joplins ragtimes and such. *sigh*

and in broadway ive been doubed the alto "section leader". it was great!!! and he had me, tiffany, ryan, and andrew go up front and sing the song we were workin on in a quartet. it was funny. and my friend had the ability to make it sound like paper was rippin, but it wasnt. until she finally DID rip it! it was awesome!!!

and tonight is the first read through for "little mary sunshine"!! wish me luck!

ok thats all for now.
toodles
@-,`---

Current mood: optimistic.

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5th August, 2006. 1:04 pm. crazy whiskey nights!!!

whats happened since my last update???

monday i went to megs and chilled w/ a new group of ppl. megers, la, amanda, naked dave, chad, alex, and dillon. ive hung out w/ all of them b4, but not together. it was interesting, and great!

wednesday we basically did the same thing, but dave brought leslie and la brought spenser. and there was also the addition of budlight and whiskey. and a shit load of cigarettes and cigars. i like neither of those. they suck ass!! and beer tastes like shit. but the whiskey was rather bareable. just cause it got me drunk hehe!! there was alot of drama that night, all of which will be kept between us. but it was...enlightening.

then went to chads thursday after work and chilled w/ him, alex, and dave. then alex went to drop off dave, pick up leslie, and we met him at denny's. ive never been to midnight denny's. i saw ppl that graduated 2 years ago. nikki and candice were there. and so was a friend i met from parma.

so im out. toodles
@-,`---

Current mood: in love.

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26th July, 2006. 1:40 pm. can it get better than this?!?

so...where to start? college: got all the classes set. found out dani crittenten will be in the dance class w/ me. so thats gonna be awesome! going in today i think to buy my books. that will be fun. i want to start lookin at the music books and the dance one. get a head start on the basics. and what tops it all??

I JUST GOT A CALL TODAY FOR WORKSTUDY!!! they asked sandy diceaser, the theatre director, if she wanted to hire me. AND SHE SAID YES!!! so ill get $1450 for college, a $7/hr pay check, and experience behind the scenes of a theatre. ill be painting sets, sewing, and everything in between! i cant wait! and theyre doing a musical this year, so i hope i can be in that along w/ work and school.

sunday: i had found a kitten last monday. we were all ready to keep it. but she didnt eat all day saturday. and sunday i sat w/ her while she died. and afterward mom, dillon, and i went to frankenmuth. it was fun. the chicken dinner and zehnders wasnt really good. i bought a gorgeous ring. and the fudge was amazing! so was the strawberry cheese. odd...i know.

monday: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! tinelle showed up randomly around noon. which distroyed dillons plans, but it was kewl. we went to the westwood and took pictures in that booth, they were odd lol. and then she took me to lunch at taco bell haha. then i came home at 4 and mom gave me money to use for cloths shopping, thats gonna be a blast! and a puzzle of a dragon, which is in the actual shape of the dragon.

then dillon came over to take me to dinner and movie. when i got into the van he had a single red rose sitting on the seat. it was amazing. then we were able to catch the 5:20 show of Lady in the Water. that movie was great. better than i expected. and we went out to Olive Garden. hed never been there, which made it even more fun. then i dragged him to the mall for those pictures. they were wacky! and he took me to the parnall playground to watch the sunset at 9:18 pm, which is when i was born. when we were on one of the jungle gyms he stood behind me and pulled out a black stone cross necklace. which he had since last x-mas on his cruise. he said he had bought it for someone special, and didnt know exactly who til now. it was the perfect b-day!

then yesterday i had work. i usually go in at 3 for about 2 hours, just to stock and such. but they were minus a few ppl and held me over til about 8:30! so i didnt eat all day til after work. i was starving. its really odd walking into wendys and sittin down to eat all by urself. oh well.

today was voice lessons. they were ok. my voice didnt wanna work right. but its ok. and im going to the secretary of state to renew my lisence. now i will be able to drive after midnight!!

extremely long entree, but oh well.

luv y'all
@-,`---

Current mood: ecstatic.

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21st July, 2006. 12:56 am. college...yay?

so i stayed at megs house last night. me her and petty took random pictures. it was interesting. "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN JESSE TOO!!" hehe

then i went to JCC today to register and sign up for classes. im in math 131 and english 131. i also got music theory 1, keyboard 1, and since i need a phys ed. course, i took jazz dance. its gonna be awesome. now i just need to meet w/ keith drayton and audition for Broadway Revue, which im really lookin forward to.

then there was work, as usual. its gettin ok now. dont know y. still bored off my ass most of the time. but tonight Dan wasnt there, so i was helpin all over the place w/ hosting, bussing, puttin away dishes, and behind the bar. it was exciting. and i got hit on again. said i was a "cutie pie", what ever.

so im out. just thought id drop in.

@-,`---


What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.

Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.

For you, falling in love is all about flirting and feeling playful. You couldn't fall in love with someone who took life too seriously.


Current mood: exhausted.

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6th July, 2006. 10:19 pm. pirates!!!

so i was supposed to go see pirates of the caribbean 2, but tinelle and gumper didnt get the tickets in time. so the midnight show was sold out. im even more mad cause chris told me he gets to go see it. GRRR!!!!

finally left dillons. hes up north. and im off to gumpers for the night.

toodles
@-,`---

Current mood: crushed.

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